Will My Toddler Ever Sleep Again?
I always felt we got lucky with Baer: as a newborn, he had a pretty solid internal sleep schedule. He would “fall asleep” (you know how babies are) at 8:00, 9:00 pm, and then sleep until about 1:00 am. I would nurse him, and then he would go back down until 5:00 am. Another nursing, and we would nap until around 9:00 am. This was not every day, but it was enough that it felt like our routine.
That kept up until around six months when he became dysregulated due to traveling. When we got home, I subscribed to Taking Cara Babies, and we followed that system until he was sleeping through the night. It took us nearly 30 days (!!) to finish the TCB program because we stupidly started it at the exact time that he started daycare, and you know what that means: germs, baby! He had — at least — two colds in those 30 days, meaning we had to restart the program each time. Man, was I frustrated! I logged two one-on-one calls with the Taking Cara Babies support team because I was so convinced that I was doing something wrong or that something was wrong with my baby. Each time, they reassured me that illness throws kiddos off, and that once Baer was well, he would take to his new sleep schedule.
Well, they were right (funny how that works…). Once Baer had recovered from both bouts of illness, we were able to implement TCB, and it was like magic! He would go down at 6:30 at night and sleep until about 6:30 every morning (kid is like his mama — we need our sleep!). Oh, those were the days. And then… we moved.
What a disaster! Once we sold our home, we moved temporarily into my father-in-law’s condo in the Phoenix area. Baer did not handle the transition well: he did not like his new room, called it scary, and cried when we tried to put him down. One night, he even managed to climb out of his crib (which he had never attempted before). The only way that we could get him to go down and stay down was to sleep on the floor next to him. God bless my husband; I was recovering from surgery, and there was no way I would have been able to get down on the floor, let alone sleep there.
That was a month of our lives, and then we moved to Wisconsin. Baer’s room was the first we set up, and we put the furniture in a similar layout to that of his room in Scottsdale. We tried so hard to introduce Baer to his room in a way that he would feel a sense of ownership. We let him pick out the toys he wanted in his room and which “friends” he wanted in his bed. We played in his room, we talked about his room. He seemed to be so excited for this room! And yet, the first few weeks were no different than they had been in the condo. He didn’t want to be left alone, he cried when he woke up and we weren’t next to him, he needed someone in that room if he was in there.
That lasted until about February. According to my husband, the situation has improved, but honestly… I think he wears rose colored glasses. We must be in Baer’s room in order for him to fall asleep. Like clockwork, he wakes up around midnight and stands at the foot of the bed (not creepy at all) and softly calls our names until we wake up. Nate takes him back to bed and generally falls asleep on the Nugget in Baer’s room. However, I still wake up at least once a night to the sound of their voices, negotiating whether it’s time to wake up. Spoiler alert: it never is. Nate’s tired, I’m tired, Baer would never admit it, but he’s tired. The dog still sleeps decently though.
There was one straw too many after another night of an unwanted midnight wake up call because I got tired of beating myself up, so I reached out to my friend Molly of Child Sleep Logics. She’s a fellow occupational therapist and Wisconsin mama, and we used to work together! Molly’s a very patient person, and she has so graciously let me vent to her in her DMs on many occasions. First, she told me that Baer’s sleep challenges were not uncommon and offered me the following advice:
It’s very normal for a three-year-old to push the boundaries in regard to sleep. Per Molly, this is a sign of intellect. He’s becoming more aware of the world around him and is testing his independence and sense of self.
Continue spending time in his bedroom, make it a fun and safe space. Get to the point where he looks forward to being in his room.
Bath time before bed. The warm water raises their core temperature, then lowers it. This helps to calm the nervous system which helps them relax before bed!
Have a nightlight. This only works for us because Baer is three and is now able to verbalize that “too dark” equals scary to him. We invested in the Hatch Plus and absolutely plan to eventually introduce the idea that he can’t come wake us up until the light turns yellow. However, that’s a task for a later date — let’s get him sleeping first!
Have a bedtime routine. Kids — make that humans in general — thrive on having a routine. I have a bedtime routine that helps me settle down and get ready for sleep, so why wouldn’t I create the same for Baer?
Consistency, consistency! Once you create that bedtime routine, stick to it. Successful sleep won’t happen overnight (much to my dismay). Consistency of routine requires you to stick with it for days/weeks/months.
And lastly… STAY REGULATED. Be the adult, be the parent. Children pick up on our internal and external cues, including (but not limited to) breathing, tone, and body language. If you are relaxed, then, theoretically, they should pick up on that and relax. If you’re not scared, they’re not scared. If you’re not agitated, they’re not agitated. They’re looking to you for guidance, you can give them that.
I write this post not to complain, but to tell you: if you are struggling with child sleep, you are not alone. I want to say this VERY LOUDLY because I frequently feel like I am alone in a lot of my parenting concerns and would love to help alleviate that fear for others. As much as my generation (yay, geriatric millennials!) prides itself on “breaking the cycle” of the mom-who-won’t-admit-that-anything-is-wrong, there is still a massive amount of pressure to keep it all together. That’s what social media is, right? A place for us to show off our highlights. I have a fun and happy kiddo, and I have a lot to be grateful for, but I am currently struggling with this sleep schedule. And yes, I know that this will eventually pass, but right now… I just want a little uninterrupted sleep.
And if you’re struggling and need individual sleep advice, follow Molly on Instagram! Her handle is @childsleeplogics, and her website is Holistic Sleep Coach. I can’t speak highly enough of her advice and services!