Happy Mother’s Day
I am a mother. I have a son. My son is three. Though I have not physically been with him every single day of his life, I have spoken with him every day (yes, I count FaceTiming with him when he was an infant speaking with him). This year marks my third Mother’s Day, and yet… every year, I have kind of forgotten that this is a holiday for me. I get so wrapped up in making sure that flowers get to my Nana on time, and that I find a clever, unique present for my mom, I completely forget about me. I make sure I text my fellow mama friends, and I make sure my husband has a card for my MIL, but I don’t make sure that I get to spend the day the way I want to.
I freely admit I can be a little self-centered (aren’t we all sometimes?), so it seems funny that I don’t pay much attention to my Mother’s Day. Fortunately, my parents and my spouse do a good job of making sure that I get to enjoy my day. This year, we had a picnic with my favorite foods, minus the memory of accidentally picking up the wrong coffee order and putting matcha in my mouth — baaarrrrrfffff! Then I got time to do homework. A perfect day! I was also gifted a two-hour massage with my favorite masseur, so I have zero complaints. Happy Mother’s Day to me!
Sitting at the park, drinking my husband’s coffee (he so graciously drank the matcha), I flipped through my phone and looked at photos of Baer through the years, reminiscing about times past. I may be new to this whole motherhood thing — and lord knows, I am a rookie by basically all standards — but I do have some thoughts about parenting that may be useful to those who are even newer to the role than me. Take them for what they’re worth:
Books about pregnancy are great. Read a few if you are personally welcoming a baby that way. Make sure you are also reading books about what to do once that baby is here! This might seem like an “obvious statement is obvious,” but I did a half-assed job of this. We figured out what to do, of course (Baer is alive and thriving), but perhaps I would have felt slightly less anxious and stressed had I invested time in reading “What to do With Your Newborn” books, as well as books about infancy and toddlerhood (although, I did do better with those).
If you’re a working mother who is nursing, freaking pump and build up a stash before you return to work! This was my #1 area of Mom Guilt™. Baer was the hungriest baby. He clusterfed like you would not believe that I am seriously surprised he didn’t suck them dry. I was always so tired of nursing that pumping felt like the absolute last thing I wanted to do. That was to my detriment though, because I had zero stash when it was time to return to work. I had to start pumping like crazy two weeks before I went back to my job. Of course, then I stopped working full time a month later, so I didn’t have that pressure, but still… I wish I had built up a stash.
Let go of your perfectionist tendencies. Your house and your clothes will never be as clean as they were pre-child. I have a housekeeper, and it doesn’t matter. Kids have this remarkable way of making things grubby. Just let it go, it really isn’t worth getting that worked up over.
Value and nurture your relationship with your partner and with the members of your village. Adult relationships change and evolve over time, you have to put in effort to make them last. However, if that effort isn’t being reciprocated… Well, maybe that’s a sign it’s time to let that relationship go.
Find a parenting group you trust. Find a parenting expert you trust. Find a pediatrician you trust. Find other mothers you trust. Bounce ideas off them, listen to them, believe them.
In the age of the smartphone, take all the pictures and videos. Better yet, back them up on multiple servers. Of course live in the moment, but time is a freaking thief, and you will want those photos and videos to remind you of the early days! No matter how challenging the newborn stage is, you will absolutely look back on it with rose-colored glasses once toddlerhood comes calling. And looking into the future, I know that I will look back on these toddler years as easy compared to the teen years!
Make sure you take time to make you happy. I’ve been seeing so many Instagram posts and op-eds in different papers about self-care for mothers, and you know what they all say? Put yourself on a goddamn pedestal! Washing your hair is not self-care. Brushing your teeth is not a luxury. If you have a partner who is sharing the parenting responsibilities with you, they should be able to watch the child for an hour while you go get a manicure or get ice cream with a friend or just sit in the car and zone out with your phone and the radio. Clearing your head of problematic thoughts and worries is self-care, and I would argue that it’s a necessity. Moms work really damn hard, we should be treated as the VIPs that we are.