Make the Change
Thirty-nine years old. Wow. How is it possible that I’m one year away from 40? And how is it possible that I’m one year away from a new decade, and I’m just now entering yet another phase of my professional life?
Twenty-two-year-old Emily would’ve laughed at you if you had told her that at 39 she would be pursuing not only a PhD, but the exact same career path as both of her parents. As an undergraduate, I was dead set against pursuing anything above a bachelor’s degree. I was going to have the perfect internship, the perfect undergraduate degree, and the perfect career in television. Best laid plans, right? That television career lasted less than five years before I felt burnt out and put off by the industry. I didn’t like the job and didn’t feel any motivation to improve my performance. When you cry yourself to sleep day after day and then cry every morning because you have to go to a job you hate surrounded by people who seemingly can’t stand you… Well… It’s time for a change.
Change when you’re a single twenty-something isn’t necessarily hard. It is hard, however, when you’re surrounded by friends, family, and colleagues who are high achievers. At 26, I felt like the idiot amongst them, the ding-dong who hadn’t planned ahead, the moron who couldn’t handle her $hit. It took a very long time for me to get past that feeling. I felt it constantly, even in OT school: I’d be studying my brains out, zero money to my name except for what my amazing parents and now husband put forth, feeling stressed beyond measure. Meanwhile, those in my orbit who had taken the “right” path were buying their forever homes and going on fabulous vacations. It was hard to watch people flying high when I was feeling so low.
I spent a lot of time crying and feeling sorry for myself rather than seeing the good in what I was doing — and there was a lot of good! I made some forever friends, not just my fellow students, but my faculty members. I found a specialty I loved. I did research that meant something to me and to people I know. In the long run, it was absolutely the right move, and I see that now. You’d think that making the decision to step away from clinical practice wouldn’t weigh that heavily on me… You’d be wrong. This time, there were other factors involved in deciding to go back to school again:
One, I’m married. Nate and I weren’t together when I quit my TV career. We were together when I decided to go to OT school, but honestly… I would’ve done it whether or not we were together. He had to be completely on board with me pursuing my PhD, and he was! It was actually his idea. What a guy! He knows my heart, and he knew this was a dream of mine I wasn’t ever going to pursue without a push. He pushed in the best way possible, and here we are.
Second factor was Baer. Having a kid changes things whether you like it or not. He had a wonderful childhood in Scottsdale, and I didn’t necessarily want to remove him from that. However, he had five wonderful grandparents back in Wisconsin who were itching to spend more time with him. At the end of the day both Nate and I felt those family ties mattered and long weekend visits just weren’t cutting it. We needed those connections and that support.
Thirdly, the housing market made a difference in our decision to move. It was the right time to sell, and it was the right time for us to sell.
Lastly, I was ready for this change. After nearly a decade in clinical practice, I loved what I did, yet I hadn’t made any movement towards hitting my long-term career goals. I had reached a feeling of contentment, that if perhaps I did not reach those goals, I would still be okay. But content does not equal fulfilled. I do miss my three days off, two days on schedule (both with Baer and with work), but I am so happy with the choice I made — especially now that I survived my first semester and statistics! This fall, I’m teaching, giving guest lectures, being regarded as a person who has knowledge to impart. I get to choose what I want to learn. I get to choose what I want to research. It’s everything I’ve ever wanted.
So, if you’re thinking about it, make the damn change. Take the plunge. Listen to someone who has been there more times than she’d care to remember: the big changes are hard, but they are worth it. Tomorrow is not guaranteed. Don’t live with regret; live with a sense of fulfillment.