Happy Anniversary to Us
Today marks seven years since Nathan and I exchanged vows and were legally wed. Every year, I look at the pictures from that day (thank you, Steven and Sarah of Spottswood Photography!), and every year it feels like our wedding was both yesterday and a hundred years ago. Nate and I were together for two-and-a-half years before we got engaged, and we were engaged for two-and-a-half years before we got married. Now, we’ve been married for seven years! How is that possible? Twelve years we’ve been together. They’ve been wonderful years, and there have been some challenging times wrapped up in that dozen. For instance, the year we got married was the year we lived in NYC. That was super challenging: planning a wedding long distance, being a new OT, navigating a new city. There was also the year Baer was born; We had just moved to Arizona a year-and-a-half prior and bought our first “grown up” house six months before his birth. And boy, was his birth difficult: having no grandparents in the state was difficult, navigating PPD/PPA was beyond difficult. But even with all those challenges, our marriage has lasted, and we are still very much in love with each other and the life we’ve created.
In honor of our anniversary, I thought I’d share some very simple and down to earth lessons that I have learned after being coupled up for a dozen years:
Be nice to each other. Perhaps this goes without saying, but sometimes when you’ve been together for a long time, it’s easy to forgo pleasantries and just be bitchy because you can be. The general rule of thumb here is also the Golden Rule: do unto others!
… But it’s okay to get mad, too. Because you will get mad, there is just no way around it. When you live with someone and are together soooo offfften… you’re occasionally gonna rub each other the wrong way. And it’s okay to fight! Still, be respectful. Fight fair and fight productively. Don’t fight just to fight — fight because you want to work the issue out; fight so that you can move your relationship forward.
Have some shared hobbies. Life can be much more interesting if you have someone to share experiences with. These hobbies can be general (travel, movies, sports) or specific (one continent or country, film genre, sports teams). The whole idea is to have something to share, something to talk about, something to bond over.
… But have your own life, too. Even if it’s a shared interest, it’s important that you set yourself apart from your relationship. Make your own friends! Go on your own trips! Eat meals alone! Take time to cultivate yourself as an individual. If you’re not happy with yourself, you cannot reasonably expect your partner to fill that hole.
Adding another party to your relationship is challenging. No, I’m not talking about a throuple. I’m talking about a pet or a child. Everyone says that your lives change when you have a kid, and it’s true. Your individual roles change, and how you interact with your partner changes substantially, too. It’s important that you have a solid foundation with your partner before you commit to bringing in another family member — especially one that you both must be 100% responsible for!
… But it can also be so rewarding. If you choose to add on to your family, it can be one of the most amazing things you’ll ever do. While being a parent (to a two-legged or four-legged child) can be SO UNBELIEVABLY TAXING, it also comes with its fair share of rewards. The love that you give and receive… it’s just something else entirely.
Make sure you love and feel loved in return. And safe. And respected.